Redefining Friendships When Everyone Moves Forward and You’re the Chronically Single Friend

When all of your friends are in relationships and you’re not, there’s a strange kind of loneliness that comes with being the chronically single friend. 

Growing up I always felt like the odd man out. It seemed like I was the only one who wasn’t experiencing romantic love, and I felt DEEP embarrassment. That embarrassment isn’t as strong as it used to be, but that shameful feeling lingers on to this day. 

Because I grew up with zero boyfriends, as the chronically single friend does, I leaned and depended on my friends for support. 

The book “Everything I Know About Love” by Dolly Alderton REALLY sums up how special my friendships are to me. Alderton writes, “Nearly everything I know about love, I've learnt from my long-term friendships with women."

"When you're looking for love and it seems like you might not ever find it, remember you probably have access to an abundance of it already, just not the romantic kind... But it will listen to you, inspire and restore you. It will hold you when you cry, celebrate when you're happy... You have so much to gain and learn from this kind of love. You can carry it with you forever."

I cannot begin to express how much I love and appreciate my friends — and y'all know who you are.

They've been by my side through every season. Through new jobs and school roles, and through challenges life inevitably brings. They've supported me through the heaviness and weight of the world, while being present for my happy moments too. In fact, when I think about the times I've laughed the hardest or felt the most joy, I think about late night study sessions, afternoon lunches/evening dinners or spilling the tea with my friends.

However, once relationships enter the picture, suddenly your friendship changes. And those main changes are that you don’t see your friends as much as you used to, and you don’t talk to them as often.

That's OK and that's a reality of life, and it's not that you don’t love your friends or want them to be happy, it’s that you start to feel like you’re all alone.

At this point in my life, two of my closest friends are married and practically all my friends are in relationships/on the verge of engagement (except for a couple). 

I’ve had to let go of what my “normal” was once, and I’ve STRUGGLED to come to terms with my new friendships. The way I can best describe this is it’s like grieving the time you don’t have with them anymore. 

Because my friends are my support system, I’ve often felt like I don’t want to bother them with my problems because they have their partners to worry about. The last thing I want to be is a burden.

And the loneliness (I hate that word but there’s no other way to say it) is the BIGGEST gap to fill. I’ve had to figure out “What can I do to move forward and create my own new relationships when my friends have moved on to new life experiences?”

It’s all about REDEFINING your friendships. With my two friends who are married, I obviously don’t see them every day like I used to, so I have to put my pride aside and tell them when I’m struggling with something, because they can’t see that in person.

Texting them when something comes to your mind is not a bother — it’s reminding them that you appreciate them and think of them. Your married friends probably feel like they don’t want to bother you either, so it’s OK to text whatever comes to your mind WHENEVER it comes to your mind.

And whenever you can see them in person, just know it’ll feel like nothing has changed — and that all you’ll feel is gratitude for having them in your life. 

With my friends who are in relationships/on the verge of engagements, I still get to see them, but there’s a shift in priorities. I don’t have another person to consider or think about when making plans, and these friends do. The redefining here is that both parties need DESIGNATED TIME set aside to hang out. 

And please, DO NOT bring your boyfriend to EVERY SINGLE HANG OUT. If you’re thinking “Oh shit, she’s talking about me,” just know I still love you, but I don’t feel the need to be around your boyfriend every time we meet up. It may seem fun to you, but to me it means I have to filter whatever I say. 

To my single ladies and friends out there, you need to take that loneliness and grief, and invest in new hobbies or solo adventures. On my Single Truths Instagram, I’ve started a mini video segment called Party of One, where I go places by myself and break down stigmas surrounding loneliness/singleness. Take the extra time you have to yourself and learn something new, read a book you’ve been wanting to read or join a community organization. 

Seeing your friends move into different phases of life isn’t the end of the world. Yes, it can be difficult to navigate your feelings, but your friendships can actually deepen if you’re both intentional. And remember, being single is its own worthy, meaningful season — not just a waiting room for what’s next.

Redefining friendships comes down to this: friendships evolve, and you’re going to feel their missing presence and that grief, but that doesn’t mean your friendships are over. 

The truth is they’ll always be there for you, and you’ll always be there for them. It’s just going to look different than how you’re used to. BUT you’ll never regret the memories you’ve made, the growth you’ve shared or the love that continues to exist — even if it takes on a new shape.