Therapy Rewired My Single Mindset — and My Self-Worth

Because I’ve grown up and have never been in a romantic relationship, I used to always think there was something wrong with me.

And because I thought there was something wrong with me, I began to create lies that I told myself repeatedly through my teenage and early adult years. Lies like “I must be ugly if no one wants to talk to me” or “Why would anyone want to talk to me? There’s nothing special about me.”

AWFUL thoughts for a 16-year-old to be having by the way. These self-deprecating thoughts festered and grew until I couldn’t stand to be alone with myself and my thoughts. 

I was always hesitant to go to therapy because I thought it wasn’t for me, and that I wasn’t facing anything “bad enough” to warrant seeing a therapist.

So, this summer, I made the leap and decided to start IFS therapy. I talked to Utah Tech University professor of psychology, Dr. Dannelle Larsen-Rife, about therapy and how it can help. 

“If you had symptoms of a heart attack, you wouldn't not go to the doctor, or if you had symptoms of diabetes or some other injury, you wouldn't not go,” she explained. “And psychology is the same way. If there's something that's causing problems in your psychological life, you need to go to somebody who can help you with that.”

IFS is internal family systems therapy — which means I’m viewing my mind as a family system, made of different parts/members. Kind of like in “Inside Out” where there’s different emotions in the main character’s head. Different parts play different roles: 

• Exiles, vulnerable/painful parts of ourselves, like fear or embarrassment.

• Protectors, parts that try to shield us from the exiles by controlling our behaviors.

• Managers, the parts responsible for organizing/maintaining our daily lives. 

When I talked to Larsen-Rife about my own experience in therapy and the thoughts I was having, she talked about how therapy can improve a person’s quality of life. 

“We can be our harshest, most critical, person to our own selves,” she said. “Therapy can help people draw attention to, A, the pattern of negative thoughts, where this pattern comes from, and [B], start to reframe and see things from a different perspective. So oftentimes, it can help draw people's attention [from] you're focusing only on the negative things, [to] what about these things over here, or what about the things that you might be overlooking?”

In IFS, the work is about healing your exiles by validating their experiences, helping your protectors understand their role and finding healthier ways to protect, and equipping managers with healthier ways to maintain order without being overly controlling. 

This is what this looks like: I sit down. I close my eyes and imagine I’m my core self — my most inner being, the purest form of myself. Then my core self talks to my other parts/emotions and asks them about experiences they’ve had, what their current role is in protecting me, and what role they would want to play that aligns with my core self. 

My core self is confident, a girl boss if you will, who doesn’t let the word “no” or any type of rejection get her down in the dumps. She’s bold and says what’s on her mind. She thinks she’s the shit. 

The emotions I’ve had to talk to and work with are anger, fear, mourning, rejection, embarrassment, loneliness, failure and self-hatred. And through talking to these emotions in my mind, it’s helped me realize I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS. The negative, detrimental thoughts I have ARE NOT ME. 

Through this, I’ve been able to look at my emotions from a distance, which has built up and brought back my core self to my being. If those thoughts of “I hate myself so why should I expect anyone to like me?” come up, then I’m able to NOT let that thought consume me. I can realize that thought came from a place of fear, and change that thought to “OK, I understand you, but that’s not reality — it’s just a thought.”

IFS helps with emotion regulation, reduced anxiety and enhanced self-esteem. AND that’s been my saving grace, building up my self-esteem to where I don’t let fear/anxiety control me. 

Throughout the past nearly five months of being in therapy, I’ve grown IMMENSE confidence — and changed my chronically single mindset from thinking there was something wrong with me, to understanding there’s absolutely NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. 

I’ve always struggled with being vulnerable and open to people, and I’ve come to understand why and how I can move forward in my life. When it comes to dating, I no longer feel like that’s impossible for me. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle anymore — it means I don’t believe the lies I was telling myself, and am able to regulate my emotions. BUT dating is still difficult because even though I’m consistently going to therapy, I still have the tendencies to close off and not be open. 

Larsen-Rife, whose main area of research and teaching is about relationships, talked about attachment theory — which explains why despite the work I’ve done to be more confident, I still struggle with vulnerability. 

Attachment theory is about the emotional bond that forms between children and their caregivers, and how a child’s needs are met. This influences how people interact in their adult romantic and social relationships. There are four types of attachment styles: 

• Secure, where individuals are comfortable with trusting others and can depend on their partner. 

• Anxious/preoccupied, where there’s a fear of abandonment, and the seeking of reassurance. 

• Avoidant/dismissive, where people do not want to depend on others, or have others depend on them. 

• Disorganized/fearful avoidant, a mix of both desire and fear. They want intimacy/closeness, but have a difficult time trusting others. 

“Attachment is the foundation for how we either get into or don’t get into relationships,” Larsen-Rife said. 

After taking an attachment style quiz, I found out my relationship with my parents is secure, and my relationships with ANYONE else is the fearful avoidant — where I want to have close relationships, but hold people at a distance. This means I have ZERO problem trusting my parents, but struggle to trust friends, parents and people in general. 

G = General, P = Partner and F= Friend

“It's normal that we have different ways of being with different people, because relationships are dependent on the people involved,” Larsen-Rife said. “Oftentimes, when people are fearful avoidant, there could be something that happens in the first five years that they don't really remember, that can still have an impact on why they feel like, ‘I can't really trust that things are going to be predictable and stable.’”

Understanding my attachment style has helped me come to understand that yes, I’m becoming confident through IFS therapy, but it’s OK that I still struggle to open up because that’s my attachment style. But Larsen-Rife also told me it’s possible to become securely attached.

“Research shows that if you meet somebody who's secure… and you get to know each other, if you date or have a relationship for three to four years, you can go from an avoidant to what’s called an earned secure,” she explained. “And you can learn to trust and open up and be comfortable. It takes a lot of work, but it's possible to do that.”

Despite having a fearful avoidant attachment style, I’m making strides toward being open and vulnerable. In fact, this blog was REALLY scary to start BECAUSE of that fear of being open. And not only am I writing and airing out all my thoughts, I also have a coordinating Instagram page that was EVEN SCARIER because I knew anyone could see what I’m doing. 

Every time I post on Instagram I get crazy butterflies and think, “Oh my gosh who’s going to see this?” And that all comes down to I don’t want to be vulnerable. 

Yet, here I am writing about being the chronically single friend and sharing my views and thoughts with the world. 

And the truth is, vulnerability is what’s helping me grow. Every time I share something that scares me, I’m choosing connection over fear.

I’m still the chronically single friend, but now I know that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with me. It just means I’m finally learning that self-acceptance is the foundation for every kind of love.