Utah’s Dating/Marriage Norms Made Me Feel Behind — Until I Learned to Write my Own Script

With LDS norms being engraved into our communities in Utah, I can’t help but feel like I’m doing life wrong.

Backstory time: I was 3 years old when my parents became active in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which means I grew up going to church and learning the principles. 

For those who are unfamiliar with the LDS church, it’s a Christian worldwide religion that’s centered on the beliefs that everyone on earth is a son/daughter of God and that his son, Jesus Christ, saved the world from sin and death. There are promises (covenants) members make, and then there's suggestions for how to live your life — not necessarily rules.

Because I live in Utah, like many of you do, the LDS church is engraved into the culture, whether you yourself are an active member or not. The church focuses on family-togetherness, purity before marriage, and presents dating guidelines to youth — suggestions like don’t date before 16 years old, and when you do start to date, go on double dates.

My point with this post is to establish the fact that LDS culture has affected the way I view relationships and has affected the way I feel about dating. Meaning that when I see everyone else around me getting married at 19, 20 and 21 years old, I can’t help but feel like I’m falling behind. That I somehow got lost on the path everyone else is on.

Especially considering I haven’t even been in a committed relationship yet… I’m feeling like I am not where I’m supposed to be, which is difficult because I do want to have a family one day. 

I WANT TO BE VERY CLEAR: this is not a blog post where I’m tearing down the church and its teachings. As a member of the church, it’s important to talk about how religion affects the way people view relationships and dating. This isn’t just an LDS cultural thing — this can apply anywhere to anyone who grew up in a religious environment. 

The church does NOT have any rules or guidelines that say you have to get married young. But, it appears that because of purity rules and the encouragement to have children, a lot of individuals in the church get married at young ages. 

Like I said, I grew up in the church and I am an active member. As youth we were presented with dating guidelines and with lessons centered on the importance of families. That's when I REALLY started to feel like I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t dating as a teenager. 

Throughout my entire high school experience, I was never once asked to go on a date. And that goes both ways. Of course I could’ve been the person to ask someone on a date, but the shy person I was at that time wouldn’t dare. 

Any high school dance I went to I didn’t have a date. Homecoming, prom, you name it. I started to isolate myself because I thought, “Maybe there’s something wrong with me,” or “Maybe I’m ugly or too weird” or “People don’t like the person I am.”

Can we stop and acknowledge those are DETRIMENTAL thoughts for a 16, 17 and 18-year-old to have!?!?

Then when I got to college I still felt like the girl no one wanted to get to know. AND THEN my friends started to get in serious relationships. I’m talking on the verge of getting engaged or even getting married. I mean come on, I’m only 22 and I feel like a spinster. 

And I don’t want to place blame on the LDS church, that’s not what I’m here to do. But I wonder if I didn’t have this religious culture around me in Utah, would I still feel like I’m falling behind? 

What’s interesting with me is my parents are very much “You don’t need to be married young,” “You can get your life established before you worry about marriage” and “Right now you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing so don’t rush anything.” 

BUT even though my parents are highly supportive of me in every stage of life, it’s still cultural norms in Utah that seep through and make me feel inadequate or unworthy. I swear every time I go on Instagram I see another person engaged — EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

So, to talk about religion in society and help me process my own thoughts, I sat down with Dr. Nancy Ross at Utah Tech University. She is an associate professor of interdisciplinary arts and sciences who teaches classes like Feminisms, Sociology of Religion and Utah History. She also does research regarding Mormon studies. 

She explained that in LDS culture, there’s an emphasis on families, therefore young people feel pressure to get married. And this isn’t unique to the LDS religion because people in other religious communities feel that pressure. 

“What I also understand is that for families who've left the church or are not part of the church, that their young people still feel like all their friends are getting married young,” Nancy said. “Even for populations of young people who are not Mormon, they may still feel the sense that early marriage might be for them.”

Nancy got married when she was in graduate school at 23 years old, and said she did feel that pressure to get married.

“I still felt that I'm on the wrong timeline,” she said. “And that's a really hard thing to experience. That sense that I am late or I'm behind or I am a weirdo because these things are not happening for me in the way that they happen for other people. I also wish I had not experienced that pressure to get married because looking back there, it felt like there was a timeline and it felt like there were expiration dates. And there were not.”

She explained in sociology and social sciences there’s social construction, like timelines within religious communities. 

“You're only feeling the immediacy of what seems to be true right here and right now,” Nancy said. “It's really hard when our feelings tell us one thing, and our rational minds know something else. It's hard to feel that you are not expired at 22, which you are not.”

We talked about would my experience look different if I was a young person living and dating while going to school in a different place? Would I feel like I could grow, or feel normal if I were in a place where early marriage isn’t part of the culture? 

Nancy said we have to undo what we’ve been engrained to know, and reconstruct. 

Now, I feel guilty if I start to question things, like what other possibilities are out there for me if I wait to get married? Or what if I end up with someone who isn’t part of the LDS church? What does that look like? 

She explained that there’s good and bad with everything, like religion. So for me, there’s some baggage I need to undo. I need to reconstruct what dating in my 20s looks like, which is difficult when I previously had an idea that’s not my reality. 

Undoing is not simple and has many pieces and levels that I may not fully understand yet, but I need to construct my own ideas instead of living off anyone else’s script.

“That's a very reasonable way to be a woman in the world today [with writing your own script],” Nancy said. “It's not weird. You aren't deviant. It's just normal. Let yourself grow into whatever else is beyond [the cultural script].”

That’s when I felt like Nancy was speaking directly to my soul. It was honestly healing talking to her because she made me feel like it was OK to still believe in church teachings and also choose lifestyle choices for myself. 

There’s an influencer I’ve seen on Instagram and her name is Rachel Power. Rachel has been showing her journey growing up LDS, leaving the church, THEN coming back to the church.

In one of her posts she writes: “If I’m being honest, I still don’t know what I believe fully. But I know the type of 'perfect Mormon' I had in my head, isn’t who I wanna be anymore. I don’t think anyone should strive for that actually. I think in 2025 the LDS church is going to make HUGE strides with past beliefs & culture norms.”

Rachel makes videos explaining how she’s reconstructing guidelines and flipping the script to write her own choices. And I find that really comforting and empowering — that there’s other women out here who are saying it’s OK to still be part of the church and struggle with some of the norms.

“You need to write your own permission slips,” Nancy said. “For yourself to say that, 'My adulthood is going to look different… I'm going to let myself feel uncomfortable.' And that can be scary because there's no script, and not having a script is a gift. Those things can both be true at one time.”

Where I’m at today is I’m grateful to have grown up in the church for multiple reasons. I’ve met my closest friends through my home ward, people that I’ve known since I was 4 years old. I’ve also learned some principles that have brought me peace.

Nancy explained this as religion creates community. And my home ward is a place where I feel loved. So while there’s aspects that I’ve come to appreciate, similar to Rachel on Instagram, I'm growing to understand it’s OK to not follow the norms.

With marriage, I can’t base my timeline on other people’s timelines. Marriage isn’t my No. 1 priority right now, and it probably won’t be for a few more years. That doesn’t mean I’m any less worthy of love than anyone who is married or currently dating. 

As far as dating goes, yes I may be surrounded by the LDS norms, but I’m giving myself permission to not feel rushed. Because it’s OK for me to feel behind (even though that’s not reality) and it’s OK for me to be on a different path. My life looks a lot different compared to other people here in Utah, and I’m OK with that.

A huge part of me felt healed talking to Nancy. Having someone explicitly tell you (someone not legally required to support you) that you can create your own rules and guidelines, was empowering. 

“As a woman in her 40s, I'm telling you, you cannot live your life narrowed down by other people's judgments,” Nancy said. “You're allowed to make mistakes. And that can be a really hard one… if you feel like you've had a strong aversion to making mistakes. Maybe you will do better by you.”

From now on, I’m giving myself permission to reconstruct LDS norms. My path is different, and that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that I’m behind. 

My truth is this: I can’t imagine that God would ever want me to feel unloved for not doing things the way everyone else does them — I’m done shaming myself for writing my own script.