Dear Modern-Day Men: A Letter on What Women Actually Want You to Know

Dear modern-day men, 

It’s me, your chronically single gal Lexy, and usually you all are not my target audience because I aim toward making women feel valued, but you need to LISTEN up (my girls, feel free to send this to whatever man is currently frustrating you to NO END). 

I want to start off by saying men, please understand this letter is coming from a place of genuine honesty, NOT bitterness. This isn’t a “I hate you and you all suck,” but rather a “Please consider these things the next time you’re talking to a woman, so YOU can be a better man.”

As the chronically single friend who’s had my fair share of failed talking stages, I’ve compiled a list of what I WISH all men knew and considered, especially in their relationships with women. I’ve also added thoughts from my followers on Instagram because I wanted their insights in this letter too. 

Modern dating is confusing, and there’s a HUGE part of me that wants to blame technology — yes, technology, not you guys — but it comes down to this: women want men who match their efforts. 

Chivalry Still Matters

Unfortunately, I do believe chivalry is DEAD and that’s because a lot of men haven’t proved that it’s still alive. I walk around my campus in St. George and while I believe in holding open the door for anyone who’s walking behind me, apparently all of you missed that memo. 

Over the course of my nearly four years going to school, a man has held open the door for me about two times — I kid you not. Men, that’s a TERRIBLE number and I understand we are all busy and have a million thoughts running through our heads, but to women, it’s those little acts of kindness that mean the most. 

Chivalry isn’t outdated, in fact it’s timeless to show that you care about other people, and shows a basic level of human respect. 

Men, think about the little acts of kindness you can do, not just to impress a woman, but let it come from a place of genuine care. Hold open the door for people, give compliments, be brave enough to make the first move, and have the COURAGE to ask a woman out on a date instead of having meaningless conversations for weeks on end. 

Recognize Women’s Independence and Don’t Fear Strong Women

Most women these days are educated and have careers, and we don’t want to be expected to give any of that up. Women who are independent aren’t to be feared, and I think a lot of men are scared of women’s successes. I can’t speak for you, men, but it seems like the smarter you are as a woman, the more intimated a man is to talk to you. 

Not to toot my own horn, but I consider myself academically successful and all the women I know are smart. I feel like because I’ve always been “the smart one,” that created a barrier where I’ve always been in a higher position of power — which y’all seem to think is intimidating. 

But instead of being scared, think of that as an asset instead of a hindrance. It’s a good thing to want to talk to a woman who’s smart and successful because independence shows that women can balance ALL aspects of their lives. 

Men, support is attractive, insecurity is not. 

Women Don’t Want Nonchalance — They Want to Feel Desired 

Show some interest for hell’s sake. You have NO idea how far intention and interest can take you because no woman wants that nonchalance BULLSHIT. 

We don’t have time to waste on someone who isn’t going to make their intentions known, and acting too cool to care is the absolute WORST thing you can do. Yes, women are independent, but we still want to feel chosen, wanted, valued, appreciated and desired — and it’s through your actions and words that you can do that. 

Your enthusiasm doesn’t come off as desperate or weak, but rather attractive because NEWS FLASH, women aren’t mind readers, and we’re not going to know your intentions or how you feel unless you explicitly tell us. 

The mixed signals and “too cool” aren't working. Whatever happened to showing someone you care? Yes it’s cheesy for me to bring up rom-coms right now, but men, you could take notes about how to show a woman you care from Lloyd Dobler in “Say Anything,” Patrick Verona in “10 Things I Hate About You” and Ian Miller in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.”

Lloyd, Patrick and Ian — men who weren't afraid to show women how they felt.

Effort Goes Both Ways

The main comment I got when I asked on Instagram what women wanted men to know, is that there’s been an epidemic of lack of effort. Like I said, I blame that on technology and the fact that we all don’t communicate with each other face to face anymore, which has caused some overall fear when talking to the opposite sex. 

But men, get over it. I understand it’s scary to show your real feelings, but if a woman can’t depend on you to be honest and upright, then she’s not going to put forth any more effort into another failed talking stage. 

IT’S ALL ABOUT MATCHING EFFORT. We’re not asking you to do everything and be the person in the relationship who makes all the plans — all we’re asking for is EQUAL effort, both in time and actions.

Oftentimes men want qualities in women they don’t always practice themselves, so the best piece of advice I have is be the type of person you’d want to get to know. So if you expect effort, match that effort. You need to be the person you expect your partner to be. 

For me it’s as simple as in talking stages, I expect a man to ask questions about me to get to know me and show genuine interest in talking to me, because I won’t settle for less than what I deserve. 

Be a Man and Make the First Move

When I say “be a man” I don’t mean it in the toxic masculinity way of you have to be everything all at once, but I mean it in the way of BE BRAVE. Yes, women can make the first move too, but when we have to make it ALL THE TIME that gets old. Like I said, we want to feel desired and like we’re worth it for you to put in effort. 

If you’re too scared to make the first move, tell us that. Don’t hide that because it comes off as disinterest and we’ll move on. It’s OK to be scared but you have to communicate that because at the very start of relationships, even women get the scaries and butterflies that come along with all the firsts. 

Open communication is one of the first steps to having a healthy relationship, and it’s just another sign that you’re willing to match effort. Women truly do want to feel protected and cared for, so showing up as the man you are is what they want. 

Men, I can boil all of this down to one thing, for the sake of all that is good in this world, you all need to STEP UP. You need to match efforts being made, you need to be brave enough to show interest AND do the small actions that add up. 

Because the truth is, no one wants a man who leaves them guessing, gives the bare minimum or waits for the woman to build the entire connection. Women want a man who SHOWS up — fully, consistently and confidently — so if you can’t do that, someone else absolutely will.

Please don’t make us feel like an afterthought. Women want presence, not perfection; effort, not excuses. 

Just remember, you don’t have to be the perfect man — just a genuine one who actually tries.

With peace and love (AND urgency for y’all to step it up and be better),

Love, your chronically single friend, 

Lexy