Am I the Problem? — Why You Should NEVER Settle for Less

Over the past few weeks I’ve written about how I have a fearful avoidant attachment style AND my dating hot takes — and I can’t help but wonder, am I the problem?

Learning that I struggle with vulnerability was no secret to me, but being avoidant certainly doesn’t help my case when trying to form a new relationship. And writing my hot takes about how men don’t yearn, and how women HAVE to be the ones to reach out first, made me think that PERHAPS I’m being too difficult, too picky. 

I have high standards and I know that — but when do you cross the point into unattainable ones? Or worse, am I my own worst enemy when it comes to dating? 

I remember one of my cousins telling me (at a family reunion, which is really bad timing to be single and having to tell everyone you STILL don’t have a boyfriend) that if you’re looking for perfection, you’ll be looking forever. 

After a momentary FREAK OUT reflecting on the past few weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that even though I struggle with being open and do have standards, that DOES NOT mean I’m the problem. 

My standards and expectations aren’t about achieving perfection from someone, and honestly I ask for the bare minimum — which women are constantly being told they aren’t good enough for anyways (or we tell ourselves that).

But it’s OK to have things that you want out of a relationship. For example, in my dating hot takes post, I write about how in this day and age, women are the ones making first moves. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but one of my expectations/standards is that the man I’m talking to NEEDS to take the initiative to show interest and thoughtfulness. 

I don’t want to be the one texting, calling or asking to hang out EVERY SINGLE TIME. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that the person I’m talking to needs to reciprocate my interest and the time I invest. 

And just like my cousin telling me that I’m never going to find perfection, I sometimes doubt that someone out there exists to meet my standards. 

But here’s the thing: I would NEVER tell any of my friends to settle for someone who’s less than what they deserve. So I’m not going to tell myself I’m too picky either. 

Because underneath those expectations is something deeper — knowing your worth.

We forget that we’re FAR more deserving of what we want than we give ourselves credit for. One of my favorite Fleetwood Mac lyrics says, “I wish you all the love in the world, but most of all I wish it from myself.” And I like to think of that as self-love — learning to value our wants and needs, and KNOWING OUR WORTH.

Having standards isn’t being too picky; it’s a sign of self-respect, an understanding of what you want and what you DESERVE. 

When you know your worth, you stop labeling your boundaries as “too much.” You start realizing that the right person won’t see your standards as intimidating, but that they’ll want to meet your expectations.

I have never settled for less than what I expect, and yes, I’m still chronically single, but I REFUSE to quickly get into a relationship that doesn't meet my hopes. 

I don’t want to be that person who months, even years, looks at their relationship and thinks, “What was I thinking?”

The thing about settling is that so many of us feel like we’re running out of time. With societal pressures, especially being from Utah where everyone and their mom gets married young, I feel like at 22 years old I’m already behind. But a professor once told me women don’t have expiration dates — even though we feel like we do. 

And throughout my blogging experience and talking to multiple people about being the chronically single friend, I’m often met with, “You’re going to be so grateful you had this time to yourself.” And while I used to not think that way, I’m starting to become grateful I get to have my youth solely to myself, to fully form my own thoughts and opinions. And to celebrate the freedom I have to do ANYTHING I want without having to think of someone else’s needs. 

So you know what, I’m definitely not the problem and I’m definitely not going to settle for less than what I want in a partner — and neither should you. 

Because the truth is being single doesn’t mean you’re the problem  — it means you haven’t settled. It means you’re holding out for the kind of love that feels equal and intentional.

At the end of the day, it’s better to be alone than to lose yourself in someone who can’t meet you halfway. So until the right person shows up, one who reciprocates your energy and effort, keep choosing yourself. 

That’s not being “the problem.” That’s knowing your worth.